im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
