i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
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I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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