he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
