whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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