When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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