history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
