So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
