wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
