His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
