Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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