she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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