I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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