this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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