Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
