woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
love makes seman taste better
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
