I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
