that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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