Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
