I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
