took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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