I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
