Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
