Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
