so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
