i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
