I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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