Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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