So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
