at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
