If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
