The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
