Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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