oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
