i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
