Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
