A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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