my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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