he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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