smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
