see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
