I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
