I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
