I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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