i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
