so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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