Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and she was petting her beer can
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
