Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
