i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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