college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
