I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
