your parents love me but you hate me
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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