Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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