It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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