Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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