Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
