I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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