I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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