So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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