dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
